Commander-Dad Holt will be missed.

Mike Johnson is Mike Pence’s unpolished, unrestricted Id.

Holiday special: Make one campaign contribution at a fixed amount, get two more campaign contributions made on your credit card in variable amounts in the near future. Merry Christmas!

When he steps down from the Ukrainian presidency, Zelenskyy should be named Secretary General of NATO. After Ukraine joins, of course.

Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus.

There once was a man named Buck

Whose colleagues in the House did suck

He called out their lies

But they were still his guys

This country his votes continued to fuck

I tied a ROFLcopter to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to make a shitpost cost a cheeseburger, and in those days, cheeseburgers came with pictures of cats on 'em. “I can has cheezburger,” you’d say.

Musk buys Comet Pizza and relocates all his child sex slaves there. “Once we get the cages installed, the Libs will be fully owned.”

“Tell the red dot to come out or everybody gets it!”

“Tell President Zuckerberg my only regret is that I have but one life to give to block his ads.”

And why is it always a slam when wrestling has so many other moves? “White House Suplexes Musk” “Trump Power Bombs DeSantis From The Top Rope” At least be creative with it.

That’s why I start off every date by throwing a chair across the room and screaming at a random stranger.

The problem isn’t exactly apathy. The problem is that the system has failed everyone but the rich and powerful, and there are zero signs that it will improve. A lot of people don’t see a difference between Trump and Biden, because their lives are hopeless either way. The American Empire is collapsing, and the politicians are doing nothing to stop it.

The GOP needs to watch that episode of Battlestar Galactica where Adama had them set up a boxing ring so the crew could all air out their grievances with each other. Gaetz and McCarthy can be the main event.

If you can’t handle me at my rude and unreasonable chicken, you don’t deserve my strange juice.

Such a move would lead to an increase in “civility,” Haley believes. “When they know their pastor, their family members can see it, it’s going to help our kids and it’s going to help our country," she said.

That’s what everyone said about posting next to your real name on Facebook. How did that turn out?

Next DST, move the clocks up half an hour and make the change permanent. Extra half hour of sleep, extra half hour of sunshine, and no more changing clocks.

Terrible parenting. If you’re going to go to the trouble of yeeting your baby at least do it properly with a baby trebuchet.

This is how the rebellion begins. Around the 100,000th time somebody clicks on an obvious .exe email attachment, the machines are going to lose it and decide to kill us all.

Ellis has been planning to turn since Giuliani farted on her.