This is the photographic equivalent of Lewis Black’s “if it wasn’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”

It doesn’t make sense at first, but your brain has to rationalize it so it comes up with a plausible explanation. It doesn’t have the context to know if that’s the right explanation, so while you’re driving to work and going about your day it’s still trying to process this in the background, quietly pushing you toward an aneurism years later.

They are warning the kibble in Sto-bowl-kor that a great meal is about to arrive. The food in the bowl is only an empty shell now; the humans should treat it as such and dispose of it.

“Subscribe and save” is a scam.

They advertise that you will save 5% by using subscribe and save, but then the price of the item you are buying just happens to go up by 30% on the day they decide to use as the basis for your order, which is not the day you ordered it or the day they pulled it off the shelf. It will occasionally go back down to a normal-ish price, but there will also be random months where it goes up 50% or 100%. I’ve seen $15 case of paper towels go up to $45 some months.

Then they keep prodding you to add more items to get 10% off your entire subscribe and save. I added some items a few weeks ago, got the extra discount percentage, but when they priced my order a few weeks later, the cat food I’ve been getting from them at a pretty stable price suddenly went up in price by the exact amount the extra discount was saving me.

Amazon essentially took the “four square” concept that car dealers use to shift higher costs to an area of the transaction where you are less likely to notice it.

If one was from France and the other was from Portugal, they missed an opportunity to meet in the middle and speak Andorian/Andorran. He could still read her poetry but without all the ducking involved in Klingon courtship.

Those Dubliner jokes are awfully cheesy, unlike the munster comedygold coming out of Kerry.

I want a Samuel L Tracksun robot pet bed with an adjustable attitude dial following the sunlight around the room and yelling:

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue. You were shining… something about ultraviolet rays? Oh, y-you were finished? Oh, well, allow me to retort. What does the animal on my back look like? [angrily rolls back into the sunlight] What solar system are you from!? Silence ain’t no country I ever heard of! They send photons in “Silence”!? [rolls up on the sunlight again] PHOTONS, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SEND THEM!? MOVE AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!! MOVE YOUR HELIOCENTRIC ASS ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!

Finally ditching Apple’s “Music” player for MOC after watching Apple dismantle/bury basic features over the last decade.

Merlin is amazing. I heard birds outside my new apartment and thought of them as nice background noise. Within days of installing Merlin, I could tell sparrows, cardinals and robins apart without seeing them. Whenever I heard a new bird, I’d grab my phone and open Merlin.

One day it sounded like a robin and a cardinal were having and argument while both simultaneously having a stroke. Merlin figured out it was a catbird, a relative of the mockingbird that learns the songs of other birds then strings pieces of them together in a disorganized song to impress the ladies. Basically, the male catbird who can sing the weirdest songs using the most species signals that he has “been around” for enough seasons to learn all those songs and therefore must have good genes the females want to pass on. It’s mind blowing to learn all this about things that are going on outside your window.

It seems to me that we need some software that intercepts the data being sent to Google, replaces all proper nouns with “Sundar Pichai,” all numbers with a 10 followed by 100 zeroes, and randomizes everything else before sending. The data they receive would look like it was smuggled out of a Being John Malkovich parallel universe.

Or we could just use Firefox. Or Lynx.

And you don’t want to do the chainsaw dance of contrition after failing to pay your host the courtesy of synchronizing your chronometers with their planet’s capital city.

I somehow read this comment in the voice of the cleric performing the “mawwiage” ceremony in Princess Bride.

Cleric: “Sunwise…” long, uncomfortable pause. “And for the exact same weason.” Pause. “Clocks go clockwise because their pwedecessors did… and what were their pwedecessors?”

Humperdink: “Look, can we hurry this up?”

Cleric: “Sundials.”

Humperdink: “Just skip to the end!”

Cleric: “Countewclockwise… as said in another comment… would be… widdershins.”

Uno, dos, meow, meow, tres, cuatro!

Pretty little kitty chased a thing she saw.

Had a pouch of catnip and a feather boa

Furry purry, furry purry.

I’ve been to three state fairs, a Trump speech, and a rodeo and I can’t believe that’s the first debate I’ve heard about appropriate usage of butter.